When I first got serious about my relationship with Jesus, He radically transformed my life. All the guilt, shame, and depression was taken from me. I reveled in that joy and thought it would never end. I assumed the causes of my depression were my bad choices, my rebellion, my lifestyle, the toxins I was putting in to my body, and the guilt of knowing I was living in sin.
I was shocked when it hit me again, much later in life. Christians don’t talk about depression. We assume it is a demon or because of sin. We judge that it must be something that person is doing wrong. I thought this was just a Christian problem, however, I have learned in medicine mental illness and depression are also stigmatized. We don’t like to talk about it. This causes people to try to hide it and put on a fake smile.
These past two years have been hard on everyone and it is becoming harder to hide it….or easier if you can never see anyone because you are afraid to go outside and catch COVID.
Let’s check in on each other from time to time. In my dark place it is easy to feel like no one cares. No one asks how I am doing. No one stares at me and sees the darkness in my eyes, or the emptiness I feel inside. No one understands that in the deepest recesses of my soul I feel like my purpose has been taken from me. No one seems to realize that the death of a dream is still a death. For many years I have put all my eggs in one basket, only to have it forcibly pulled from my hands, but no one asks if I am okay.
We don’t seem to notice when others are hurting, I know that I do not. We are too busy thinking of our own hurts, our own pain, our own needs that people pass by us everyday who are crying inside. Crying secretly so no one notices, but secretly crying that someone will.
I wasn’t expecting to feel this way ever again. Christ is still the center of my being, the focus of my life, the whole of my existence, but I expected to be happier as a Christian. I have realized that there is no promise in the book of everlasting happiness. There is no promise of a pain-free existence on this planet. There is no promise that life will go as you have planned it. There is no promise or encouragement to be yourself, or go for your dreams, you can be whatever you want to be, or you can be whoever you feel to be. Those promises are man-made!
Instead he promises that in this life we will face tribulation. We will face persecution. We will fight with unseen spirits that want to destroy us. We will need to endure hardness as good soldiers. We will need to fight the good fight of faith, and if we endure to the end we will be saved. There will be a crown of righteousness. There will be a “well done!” I may be in a dark place. It is not because of my sin. It is not because of bad choices. Sometimes I have no idea why I feel the way I do. This one thing I know, I am saved from hell! I have a place of no sorrow and pain waiting for me someday, and no matter what I have to endure in this life it is worth it. Even if that is all I ever got out of the deal, it is still worth it. So I keep going. I keep moving forward! Following Jesus is not about being happy! World rocked again.
jms22782 